Begin Again

It’s two weeks into the new year and it’s amazing how much my life has changed already! I’m halfway through my internship at Substance Church and I have grown so much just within these last few months. It’s crazy to think about where God has taken me this past year. I’m at a place in my life that is so much better than I could’ve ever imagined and none of it is by my doing! I also recently started dating someone. He is absolutely wonderful in every single way. He is kind, and sweet and caring and makes me laugh in ways I haven’t laughed in years! He makes me smile on a daily basis and above all, he is a legit man of God. He blows me away with his strong character and his ability to see the good in everyone he meets and in every situation he’s in. But as good as he is, (because he absolutely is!) he’s not what I want to talk about. Since I haven’t written anything in quite some time, my last few blog posts were on being single. And since I am no longer single, I thought it would still be good to write about how God is continuing to pursue my heart, even though I have someone else who has taken my heart too.

Being in a relationship is great. But it wouldn’t be great if I were dating just for the sake of dating. I always told myself that I wasn’t just going to date anybody. No. I was saving my heart for someone I knew would honor it and take care of it. I wasn’t going to just throw my heart around to any guy that came along and said he was interested in me (because trust me, it happened more than I ever thought it would!) And while they were all nice guys, there were a lot of red flags that came up that stopped me from even considering dating any of them. Some of them still need to mature a little bit more, not just spiritually, but in how to pursue women and do it in a right way. You can’t act around girls the same way you do your guy friends. I mean, you can, but not if you want to date her. A woman’s heart is unique. It longs to be pursued. It wants to be cherished and a girl wants  to be made to feel like she is uniquely special from all the other girls out there.

I spent a lot of time over the past year and a half that I was single trying to figure out me. What made me me. And while I longed to have someone special in my life, I knew that God would only allow that not only when I was ready but when he was ready too (the man God had for me). There is a lot of groups, especially at churches and Christian colleges that talk about how to “not look for the ‘right’ person for you, but how to become the ‘right’ person for someone” and while I agree that we should be working on ourselves and try to emanate qualities that we would also want to attract, our main focus in life should NOT be about finding your future spouse! I think too many people are too obsessed with finding the right one, or trying to become the right one, but aren’t spending enough time one trying to be a better them! Why can’t people just work on themselves without trying to make themselves into someone who they think someone else might want? Try to be a better person who GOD made you to be, and stop trying to be a better person because you think it’ll get you a husband faster. It won’t.

I’m not saying I am completely perfect at this. I’m most definitely not. I did my fair share of complaining how I was going to be single and alone with 30 cats for my whole life because “all my friends were in relationships”. I definitely complained how I “should” be in a relationship because I am such a catch (but really I am). I was definitely not completely content with being single.  And I don’t think you have to be completely content being single before God brings you a relationship. God gave me a desire to want someone in my life. He knew that that is something I longed for and wished I had. God knew that. But there was nothing I could do or couldn’t do to make God speed up His timing. Nope. I just had to trust Him and seek Him. And by seeking Him what I did gain was the knowledge that most people know, but so often overlook. That God is ALWAYS with us. He will never forsake us. He loves us at our most unlovable times and He sees our hearts in all of their ugliness and He still WANTS to be with us! God is SO in love with me. And I knew that God want to make sure that I absolutely knew that before He would bring me into another relationship.

This year has been amazing so far. I have changed so much like I said before. I am growing each day in new understanding of who I am in Christ and who I am to those around me. God has blessed me more than I could ever possibly imagine. And even though right now, my life is pretty good, I still need to seek after God with an utter dependence on Him. I cannot rely on people in my life in the way I am supposed to rely on God. They cannot take His place. I am working on me this year, just like I was last year, and how I will continue to do into the years to come. I want to be made more into a likeness of Jesus and have a heart like His. Anything else, whether it be a relationship, job, or whatever, is just an added bonus to my already amazing life with Christ.

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My Biggest Fear Being Single

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Here’s the thing. Being single for a while, insecurities can creep in on you. Especially having loved and lost. You feel the heartbreak, you feel the loneliness on those long nights. You feel rejected and alone. You wonder if you can ever find love again.

My biggest fear being single is wondering if I can ever find someone to truly love me. The whole me, the real me. All the bits and pieces and all the broken pieces that have been left behind. Will I ever find another hand to hold? Will I ever find someone to give me forehead kisses and bring me coffee at work just because?

I’m a weird person. I have weird quirks about me. I like playing video games. I like watching zombie movies, I love to randomly research facts about almost everything and I will also randomly research Greek words for my Bible studies. I hate brownies and peanut butter. I hate eating spaghetti in front of people. I get really passionate about stupid things sometimes. I have an extreme fear of bugs. I like my routines. There’s a lot about me that I wonder will I ever find someone that not only likes those bits about me but really wants to be with me because I’m that way.

My biggest fear is that I’ll find someone but then something or another will change their mind and they’ll walk out on me again. I need a man who is secure enough in who he is and what he wants and stick with it! I guess my biggest fear really isn’t fear of not finding love again, but rather the past repeating itself.

Now hear me out, I’m not sitting at home crying myself to sleep at night because I don’t have a boyfriend. I’m just trying to be real here with real feelings that I know a lot of girls feel, especially post-breakups. I know that I am not going to be single forever. God created in me a desire to have a husband and I know that He will provide the right man at the right time. I know that that man will love everything about me and so much more. But unless people are upfront about their insecurities and honest with how they feel, it puts up a roadblock and you just stay stuck. I know what I need to work on. It’s what I have been working on for a year now, becoming a better me so I can be a good partner for someone hopefully sometime soon.

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Single and Awesome

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“All the Single Ladies, All the Single Ladies! Put your hands up! Whoa-oh-oh!”

I feel like this has been the anthem of my life for over a year now. Which is great! Now, hear me out, flying solo isn’t always the easiest thing to do always, especially when you’re surrounded by couples everywhere, but I’ll be honest with you, being single defintely has it’s fair share of perks!

First- It’s finally sweater weather which means it is now cool enough here in MN to take a 6 month break from my razor! YEAH!!!!! I mean, why shave? It’s not like I have anyone to impress, so why make the hassle in the mornings when I can just go all cave-man with my legs!

2- Along with not feeling the need to impress anybody, there is no one there to judge me when I come home from work and decide to  eat a whole row of Oreo’s for dinner! And don’t even get me started on the Chick-flicks and Disney movie marathons I have with myself! Since there is no guy in my life that I need to convince to watch super sappy movies with, I can enjoy them whenever I want!

3- I am free to make plans with whoever and whenever I want! I don’t have to run it by anyone to make sure it doesn’t interfere with a date night!

But in all seriousness- being single really does have its perks that go far beyond just the average things. You see, in this year of being single, I’ve learned a lot about me. Who I am as an individual and who Christ has made me to be. I am learning Whose I am and who I am rather that focusing on who I am in a relationship with or not in a relationship with. You see, the relationship I was in before, it was alright. We got by. And by the world’s standards it was a good relationship. We had our ups and downs, but that’s “normal”. But what I didn’t realize until after a few months after the relationship ended abruptly was that I had tied so much of my identity into that relationship. I was lost and left wondering who I was and what I was supposed to do after. It took me months of rebuilding to regain my self identity of who I was. God literally stripped away all that was comfortable and secure for me in that relationship and showed me that no man can make me feel complete, no man can fulfill me, no man can love me unconditionally like I desired. No. Only God Himself does that. God makes me complete and whole and worthy and lovable. Christ showed me that in order to be truly happy with another person, I must first be truly happy with just me, the amazing person He created me to be. I am intelligent, smart, caring, loving, generous, a hard worker, diligent, funny, confident, beautiful- all of these things. And if I don’t believe these first without anyone telling me, then if I get in a relationship- I will be so dependent on my need to validate all of those things, which is why relationships end poorly. All of those qualities are already validated IN CHRIST because THAT’S WHO HE MADE ME. I don’t need someone to tell me, because I already know. I know that I was made for Christ, not to find a spouse. And let me just say this-

There are far greater kinds of love than just the romantic kind we idolize!

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