So I had no intention of writing this post like this. I’m actually writing this at 1:45 am because I am unable to sleep due to one of my chronic migraine headaches. And I just had this tugging on my heart that I needed to get up and write this tonight. so here I am, 2 am, writing about sin and redemption because God told me to.
So sin. It’s a funny little thing. We all do it. And most of us are pretty good at hiding it. The only real time we actually have a problem with it is when it becomes so big and noticeable (mostly in other people, of course) that we even do anything about it. Now let me start off by saying, this post is going to get honest. I’m not going to beat around the bush. If you have a problem with something I say, good. It means I did my job. This may not be a comfortable read for you. But I am trying to say all things out of love. It will be sarcastic at times, but the reality is that sin is evident in all of us and it’s a problem we need to address.
Sin is an issue we all struggle with on a daily basis and if you’re like me, you’re trying to do the “good Christian thing” by sinning in less obvious ways… Wait what? Yeah, you heard me. Not sin less, just less obvious. Because you know, no one can judge me except for God, so I am going to constantly push the line to see how far I can go on sinning without it causing a major disruption on my life. It’s not like I’m hurting anyone.
You see, I went to a small Christian college in the Twin Cities. It was a tight knit community. Everybody knows everybody and everybody’s business. I am a firm believer that a Christian college is the best and the worst place to be a Christian. And I say that it can be the worst because it is so easy to put on a show and pretend that you are a better Christian than you really are, because that’s what everybody expects from you. It is also the worst place because there are so many people (even on a Christian campus) who, once they find out you’re not perfect like Jesus *gasp!*, use every sin you commit against you. What is supposed to be a place of openness, love and forgiveness often turns into a place of hiding, ridicule,judgement and condemnation.
Now, I won’t lie to you. I’m not perfect like Jesus. I know. Big shocker. There are times when I can’t cover up my imperfections as well as I’d like to. My best (worst) example was last year.
Last year was one of my worst years ever. People pretty much saw every worst part about me. For those that know me well know that I am a pretty easy going, sweet and sensible person. I like to be fair and nice to everyone because I am a people-pleaser by nature. But I have another nature too. My sin nature. I sometimes joke that I’m really not as nice as I pretend to be, and I’d say that’s true about 40% of the time. I also like to be controlling and get my way… And when I don’t get my way, I plot my revenge.
Like I said, last year was not a good year for me. If you have read any of my previous blogs, you will know that my ex-boyfriend had cheated on me with another girl. This is the situation that caused me to kinda go off the deep end. Well this girl was someone who I couldn’t pretend to like anymore. Words were said about her that are far too vulgar to post. And as for that relationship that my ex and I had, well it was not as Christ-centered as it was masquerading to be. (I’ll let your imagination figure out that one)
You see, that whole year I just got caught up in the muddiness of my sin. Often times I would look at the situations around me and just say “F-this, I’m gonna do it anyways!” I would hit the F-it button on my life. And I CHOSE this! I chose to stay in my sin. And I had become tarnished and broken. I had nothing left to lose at that point so what did it all matter. Literally ALL of my worst sins were on display for my whole school to see and talk about.
Small schools have a way of turning into gossip mills. But instead of walking down the halls and hearing “OMG! Did you hear about so-and-so” you hear “We really need to ‘pray for’…” And let me just say this-
Rumors disguised as prayers are NOT PRAYERS. They’re GOSSIP! And they are not pleasing to God!
So if you “pray for” someone, but all you’re really doing is wanting to talk and gossip about them, seriously cut that crap out now! I not only did that, but i was on the receiving end of it too and I can tell you that neither side is fun to be on.
My whole point is this. We’re all sinners. You’re not as perfect as you pretend to be. If you start condemning people once you find out the worst about them, well chances are that at some point the same thing will happen to you and you will find out how crappy it feels too, so just don’t do it in the fist place.
If you’re sinning and thinking you’re getting away with it, you’re not. Stop fooling yourself. (1 John 1:8) And even if you don’t “get caught” now, you will one day by God. So stop now. Confess your sin. Repent. And start living your life for Christ. It’s not too late! (1 John 1:9)
And for those that think you’ve strayed too far for God’s love to reach you anymore, you haven’t. No sin is too dirty for the purity of Christ’s blood to wash away (Isaiah 1:18) You are already forgiven (but seek it and ask God to forgive you too! And He WILL!) (Romans 5:8, James 5:16) Your sin does not condemn you, continuing in your sin will.
It’s funny because just earlier tonight I was being told by a friend on twitter that I am a “Godly girl” and my first thought in response to that was, “yeah right! Easy for you to say. You only know me by what I display online. You don’t know what I’ve done!” And that’s true. What I did, I should not have done. I sinned in more ways that I ever thought I would. I’m still dealing with the aftermath and the consequences of some of those sins. If you looked at my life last year, you probably wouldn’t have known I was even a Christian. But I’m not that person anymore! Sure, do those temptations still come up? You bet! Is there still a part of me that wants to say “If I weren’t a Christian I’d do…” Yup. But I CHOOSE not to give into that sin anymore. And the thing is, that persona of being a better person that I was putting on last year, well I don’t have to pretend anymore, because I really AM a better person! Christ has forgiven me and REDEEMED me!
I still struggle with sin, but I don’t pretend that I don’t sin anymore. I also don’t live in my sin anymore and let it consume my life and think that’s okay. I live for Christ. He sets my standard of how I need to live and He sets my worth.